But, but, we all made fun of this, no?

We made memes about its dialogues, we trolled Boody Deol exposing his two little bobbies, we ROFLed its songs, we scream ‘Allah duhai hai’ at its trailer, yet the film has been made a success.

That’s exactly what I uttered nervously fidgeting the hems of my shirt when a news article reported that Salman Khan’s logically-challenged ‘Race 3’ has entered the Rs 100 cr club – the ego-inflating club that Bollywood has introduced to feel superior to regional film industries, though it is supremely inferior to Hollywood. And looking at that number I turned into Arshad Warsi of ‘Jolly LLB’, and cried ‘Kaun hai ye log? Kahan se aate hai ye log?’

Cast of ‘Race 3’

I tried to seek refuge in a thought that maybe, just maybe, people are watching this film presuming that it’s a parody of Vin Diesel’s ‘Fast & Furious’.

‘Race 3’ is nothing but a C-grade copy of FF franchise – which again is basically about a petty car-jacking bunch turning into elite forces sent to kill people that the US government cannot. Salman Khan even copied Diesel’s mumbling mantra of ‘family’.

So, what is making people watch this movie made out of meme-worthy dialogues and Thums Up-ads-like stunt scenes? I hope Salman is not threatening people to run them over with his car if they don’t watch ‘Race 3’. Of course, his driver will be the one pressing the accelerator, duh!

“Do you know he is such a big humanitarian?” a voice told me when I was talking to a colleague about how shitty Salman acts sometimes. I turned around to face a Bhai fan. Now, everyone envisions his fans to be some muscle pumping and adrenaline junkies, but there are others who are slim as a stick but still love watching Salman topless. For people who are still wondering, the bulging thing below his chest it is called paunch – a distinctive feature of all middle-class fathers.

Coming back to my run-in with the Salman fan (pun intended), this guy started listing all the ‘good things’ that the actor did (who also never killed a man sleeping on a footpath, and also never shot a blackbuck and also never destroyed the career of Vivek Oberoi).

He helps so many underprivileged and poor people, he said. Of course, he does. Look at Katrina Kaif, Zarine Khan, Himesh Reshammiya, Daisy Shah and so on. Ignore the muffled sounds of Vivek Oberoi crying, by the way.

Like his favourite actor’s movies, he stopped making sense, but a jolt of Salman’s virginity claim shook me up from my sleep.

My heart melted when he said that Salman is still a virgin. If a 52-year old ‘superstar’ is still a virgin, who am I to cry about being dry? I mean, he dated likes of Aishwarya Rai (though he beat the shit out of her), Katrina Kaif (when two enemies of acting meet, the sparks are bound to fly), Iulia Vantur (I can’t even pronounce her name, no point trying to write something witty about her) and the only person I ever dated dumped me for someone so good-looking that I actually felt happy for her. So, I could totally relate to him.

Come to think of it, Salman is basically all of us: a loverboy who never went beyond the first base with any of his girlfriends, someone who was ugly and thin but turned into a beefy being, someone who would eat anything when he’s hungry, someone who talks about respecting women but is notorious for harassing and stalking his ex-girlfriends and their boyfriends, someone who feels that the whole world is entitled to serve to his whims and fancies.

Probably, that’s the reason why people are watching ‘Race 3’ to see themselves jumping off a skyscraper wearing a cringe-worthy outfit, chanting ‘family’ though we hardly spend any time with our own family and also as a charity for underprivileged and lost-cause-actors Daisy Shah and Saqib Saleem, and last, but not the least – to watch a topless Bobby Deol. After having witnessed that sight, there’s absolutely nothing to watch in this world now. Everyone can rest in peace.

So, how did ‘Race 3’ raked in so much moolah exactly? Is it because people wanted to compensate the loss of ‘Tubelight’, or because people like no-brainer action films, or because people were expecting Daisy Shah to get all ‘Hate Story 3’, or because people wanted to know before and after of ‘our business’ dialogue?

Why, people? Why would you do this? *bawling*

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